The holidays are coming round
Here,here they are
The pretty lights to be found
Shine like the little star

That first showed its face
When our savior was born
His life for us to praise
His death for us to mourn

Sad thoughts do not matter
For here comes Christmas
For joy,for laughter
The happiness is endless

And remember
We would not have this holiday
If Christ our savior had not been born that day

Indirect Bullying

Freedom. This is what dance is supposed to express. You are supposed to feel your emotions erase and your sorrows alleviate as you glide from position to movement and form a piece of living, breathing, art. But how can you be free under the the strict watch of vultures? How can you become something beautiful if the whole world you live in is telling you to change? How can you be a non-conformist if conformity is mandatory? Most importantly, how can you be a single thought if your mind is stretched to the max with petty things? The answer? You can't.

My first entry into the dance world was in a small studio when I was only three years old. At the time, dance was something fun and harmless that I did because my mom thought it would be a cute thing for me to do. After all, what little girl doesn't want to be a ballerina? It was simple and it was pure. I had no way of knowing that it would change into something horribly corrupt as I grew older.

After that year, I stopped ballet and went on to play soccer, focus on kindergarten, and take some karate lessons. Those years were pretty fun, nothing to worry about except if my mom had taken the crust off the sandwich or not.

In first grade, I started dancing again at a studio called ‘Dance Magic’. They weren't very serious, but it didn't really matter at the time. I took two classes a week, and even though dance wasn't a major part of my life, I still met some nasty people and faced the beginning of bullying, elementary style. There was one girl named Kassy or something with a ‘K’, I don't completely remember. She could do her splits and the teachers loved her. She was popular, and I admired her, so I did my best to be friends with her. Of course she looked at me like I was gross and stupid (how can 1st graders even do that?), but I was persistent and always kind. I wasn't the only person she disliked. I remember there was a slightly chubby girl who Kassy always made snarky comments about and obviously didn't appreciate. Despite the unkindness of Kassy, I managed to have a good year and felt proud of myself after the recital. My mom never took me back to the studio, however, because she didn't like the atmosphere.

We didn't find another studio until 3rd grade when my best friend (whom I later found out wasn't a true friend) told us about an awesome studio, Technique Turns To Ellagance School Of Ballet , near where we lived. It wasn't long until I found myself working diligently four days a week. The first two years there the dance instructor adored me, and I was liked by most of my peers because of that. My teacher often remarked how I “worked like a dog”. I even got invited into the dance company! Company is where you compete in the name of your studio and you can win trophies and such.

After a while, I got really busy because my parents were in the middle of a move, and I was dealing with the stress of moving from Katy to Hockley, schoolwork, and many other things. I started to slack in dance and completely stopped for two months. When I came back the tables had turned.

My teacher treated me with disrespect because I was frustrating her by my fumbling when trying to match my prodigy friends. Not to mention, I had hit puberty and entered into my ‘gawky’ phase. Sadly, I’m sure looks had to do with the way I was treated. I was not as thin as I once was, and I was a major klutz.

My teacher started getting extremely mad at me, often screaming at me to do the exercises correctly. Her mistreatment of me was copied by most of her students. Soon, I felt out of place and always felt as if the whole dance studio was talking about me behind my back. They demonstrated their disgust with me by the way they lifted their top lip to show their gums and rolled their eyes any time I talked to them, as if I was some major inconvenience.

Often, I would ride home crying, begging my mom to pull me out. Unfortunately, she didn't realize the extent of the bullying and believed I was just being over dramatic. So, I started to dread dance and felt heavy every time I walked through the studio doors.

It wasn't long before it turned into outright bullying. People would be whispering and giggling and then become silent when I came to join in the fun. I heard from one girl that another girl (a.k.a. Selena) had told the other kids it was all my fault that they had to do extra work because I was too dumb to get the combination right.

The teacher became increasingly rude as time went on. If I asked for water, she would yell at me saying, “What makes you special? Everybody else here is working harder than you! Why do you think you're so special? Can you tell me why you should get water when nobody else does?”

I shook my head, too frightened to say that I was sick and had a sore throat. I was so humiliated as everyone stared at me, and I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. She didn't seem to understand that I really was trying hard.

I tried harder than ever, even as I was moving from Hockley to Cypress. I continued to be an outcast and felt constantly depressed while lying to myself by pretending I loved the way my life was. I thought that dance was the only option. I also thought that Ellagance was the only option since it is a renowned ballet school in Texas. Everyone there was somewhat biased and believed that Ellagance was the only good studio around that taught core technique. This was never said aloud, but it was an unspoken agreement. If only we had known that it wasn't the best studio for us.

I began to believe there really was something wrong with me. All the other girls were so skinny

and beautiful. Even when they got into trouble, it wasn't with hatred. Everybody knew they were good so when they were corrected it wasn't so terribly humiliating.

Then came the day when all my friends got demi-pointe shoes, the kind that helped you learn how to go on your tiptoes. I guess I missed out on the memo, because I was the only girl who didn't get them. When I asked my teacher about it she said I wasn't ready and looked at me as though I never would be. She said I didn't want it enough. If only she had known how much I wanted it. Maybe I wanted it for the wrong reasons?

So then, I practically forced myself to become obsessed with dance. I told everybody that it was my life and acted as so. I then loved dance and it consumed me. I dreamt about it, I talked about it, I danced everywhere and tried desperately hard to fit in.

One day I overheard that a girl from my studio was quitting and my instructor asked her mother if she would keep dancing. My instructor said, “All the girls have demi-pointe shoes now and I didn't realize she didn't have them yet. I just assumed she would hear about it and get some. If she did, she might not be so bored. She has such talent.”

I practically boiled insides. Assumed she knew?! All the girls?! What about me? But I said nothing and just worked harder than ever. Everyday I went privately to my teacher and asked her for

pointers, trying desperately to show that I was interested and cared. Finally, after a year she let me get them, just as soon as the other girls got en pointe... Go figure.

Yet, I kept trudging on. I worked persistently and gave it my all. In six months, I received my first pair of pointe shoes. Real pointe shoes! I was ecstatic.

I told all the other girls and  did my best to catch up with them in their pointe skills. Eventually, I was on their level. But, they had already written me off; the bullying didn't stop. The teacher once picked me for an example, and I got so excited. I was sorely disappointed when she told everybody how I was demonstrating what not to do. She then proceeded to point out everything wrong in my performance and then got another girl to demonstrate it correctly. It was as though someone had punched me in the stomach (and she had done that before too).

My self-confidence spiraled downward until I felt as though I was stupid, ugly, untalented, weird, fat, and unwanted. I felt like a complete failure. In the dance world, dance is on a pedestal. Talented and skillful dancers are made out to be better than other people. Drill team, football, cheerleading, basketball, volleyball and other sports are denigrated and looked down upon. To be a better dancer is to be a better person. So if you weren't a good dancer you were worthless.

I was always on the sarcastic side, if I made a playful comment they would get extremely offended. However if Selena called me stupid (playfully of course...) everyone laughed. I would simply say I wasn't stupid then she would reply “Gosh, can't you take a joke?” She rolled her eyes as though I was a hypersensitive retard.

At Ellagance, everybody always shared their food, happily giving their buttered popcorn out in handfuls, sometimes I would ask for a little bit and they would reply, “Mmm... Sorry, but it’s almost gone.” Of course if I didn't share my food, I was rude.

The problem with this type of bullying is you can't tell someone because it isn't technically bullying. They don't beat you up or cuss you out. They just do their best to make you feel unwanted. How do you combat that? You can't tell somebody a girl called you stupid or that people are mean to you. They will just tell you to suck it up.

In December 2011, we were rehearsing for the Christmas recital and I was getting ready for my duet. I checked the schedule and saw that I had a few dances before it started, so I wasn't in a huge rush.

I finished changing and came out only to find that they started the duet without me. This was a mistake on my part because I had forgotten that we weren't rehearsing the solos! Instead of having five dances to change, I’d only had one. Being late really was my fault.

I just picked up on the duet and acted like nothing happened. The problem came was when I was changing out of my duet costume, and Selena’s mom started talking to me.

“Why were you late?” She asked.

“I didn't realize we weren't doing solos today,” I had said sheepishly.

“Oh well, being late for rehearsal is one way to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get a solo.” She gave a false smile, knowing I really wanted a solo but wasn't wanted in the dance company.

What she forgot about is how last year her very own daughter was late on stage! But she still had a solo. I guess sometimes life gives you lemons, what you do with them is what matters.

Finally, after my R.A.D. Exams in June, my mom took me out of Allegro. This came as a great relief to me. It wasn't that the whole time had been awful, but after many nights of crying and sinking confidence, I had had enough.

I learned some important lessons there like, self discipline, goal orientation, and I was beginning to learn how to handle the world.

I took a break from dance while I moved, yet again, from Cypress to Tomball. We found a studio called, High Speed Performing Arts Centre. It was only a block away, so we decided to give it a try. The teachers seemed nice and though the girls were a little disrespectful, they weren't all that bad.

There were four girls in my level (not including me) Lisa, Annie, Melinda, and Elaine. Lisa was short and had abs. She seemed pretty funny and cool. Melinda had brown skin and was really short. She gave awesome death glares. Annie was really tall, skinny, and flexible. She seemed genuinely nice and funny, but I was jealous of her talent so it wasn't immediate friendship. Elaine had a very adult figure, was tall, and was slightly inappropriate. Again, there was jealousy but she seemed nice.

Quickly my confidence started growing, and my dancing improved. The teachers remarked on my work ethic, and I had clicked with the girl named Lisa. I started to feel a bit better about myself. Though I wasn't exactly part of the group, I wasn't excluded either. I started working on a solo with one of my instructors, Troy.

It was contemporary. (A dance style that I now enjoy much more than ballet.) Pretty soon, I was winning high golds. What would the people from Ellagance think now that I was doing well? I had lost weight because I had dieted over the summer (something I now regret) and I had gotten braces to straighten out my horribly crooked teeth. I cut my hair in a prettier style and cleared up my skin.I still wasn't perfect, but I looked much better than I had before.

          There were some bad things about this studio, however. It was very human in view point. In one of my classes, during stretch, they would do something called a gossip circle. All the girls would gather around the teacher and they would share nasty tidbits about anybody not in the room.

They talked bad about girls who they pretended to LOVE in their presence. The teacher would even agree and support the vicious comments. I tried to stay out of it but I didn't do anything about it. I didn't tell my mom because I was worried she would either get the teacher fired (which would make me the center of gossip) or my mom would pull me out... right when I was starting to fit in.

And hey! At least they weren't gossiping about me... right?

Wrong.

During many of these “gossip circles”, I heard stories about a girl named Shelly. They said she had betrayed the studio and had lied to a bunch of people. Apparently she had told people the studio was closing, that they were trying to steal peoples money, and she called competitions and canceled them. Often they would make fun of her and call her ugly, fat, a bad dancer, a whore, and many other rude names. One time they even looked up her facebook profile and laughed about how ugly she was in her pictures and pointed at her “cottage cheese thighs”. By how they talked about her I thought she would be an oversized witch with large moles. It turns out she was just a normal girl. She didn't have fantastic looks or anything and she was a little bit thick, but she wasn't by any means ugly.

I told my mom about all the things Shelby had done to the studio. My mom just said, “Watch out Hope. There are always two sides to a story and you don't know this girl.”

I wish I had known how wise her words were.

Later in the year I got a text message asking if I would join company because Elaine left the

studio! I was super excited and immediately replied that I would. A couple of days later, I began private lessons to learn all the group dances. I also had to learn new tricks. I learned a trick called a ‘tilt’ in two weeks. It usually takes people several years to get them. I had to know all the steps perfectly because I was going to be in front the whole time. I worked extra hours, sometimes more than 6 hours a day! I also had to stop going to church (uh-oh) on Wednesdays and Thursdays because of rehearsal.

The other girls were frustrated when I didn't do the steps correctly. What they didn't understand is that I was learning five dances in two weeks when they had several months to learn each one. It soon turned out that the only person who was truly nice to me was Annie, but even then she was sometimes rude. Once I heard them talking about how it wasn't fair that I was the teacher’s favorite, because I wasn't even that good. I don't know if I was the teacher’s favorite or not, I don't know if I was a fantastic dancer, but I did work harder. I don't say that out of rudeness or lack of humility, simply the other girls noticeably lacked in dedication. Annie was the top dancer and I came in second to her (I think), but I started out being the worst dancer there and through sheer hard work, I climbed my way up.

They had all admired Elaine when she danced there, but when she left, they cut her out of all the pictures, the teachers talked about how she was too fat to be a ballerina, and the students said she was going to starve herself because she was so huge that the new studio would make her diet, everyone kept talking about how much weight she was gaining (I didn't see it), even her old bff, Annie, called her fat. I should have taken the hint, anybody who didn't agree with them was their enemy.

There were many other instances of bullying. Like when Lisa dug her nails into my skin because I tossed her phone. It was stupid for me to do, but she shouldn't have gotten so angry. I heard about the gossip towards me like how I was “stupid”, “weird”, “overly insecure”, “goth’, blah blah blah.  Once I went to a sleepover and we were playing Q&A. A girl who had always been nice to me said, “Ask me what I really think about you!”

So I did.

She gave a list of 30 plus things she didn't like about me. Other people chipped in as well. Mentioning things about my appearance and my personality. I just nodded, smiled, and then excused myself to the bathroom where I cried my eyes out. I was embarrassed, horribly humiliated, and way more insecure about myself. She did apologize, but to this day she and her friends still claim that they were playing, yet it isn't funny unless both parties are laughing.  The things she said still bother and haunt me.

One day, we all went to an audition  for the Joffrey Ballet School, located in NYC. They invited all of us to go to their summer intensive, but I was the only one who was invited to be a year-round trainee. That means I would live in the Joffrey dorms for up to four years! I would perform in sold out venues, right in the center of Manhattan. The moment the girls heard about it a wall of jealousy, almost tangible, slammed against me. They said they hadn't applied for it, and that was the only reason I got in when they didn't. I learned later they were lying through their teeth.

I went to NYC with Annie, Melinda decided not to come. Joffrey was great, and New York was even better. Annie and I got into a two-day disagreement. It was over something very small, Annie was hypersensitive, and I went overboard. I decided to apologize, but when I tried, Annie said, “I don't care Hope! It doesn't even matter.” That response hurt my feelings, I shrugged it off though, for the sake of our friendship. She said, “I don't care,” anytime I was sincere, it was really frustrating.

However, I am glad I went to New York because the summer intensive was fun (I made friends with a famous person), and I absolutely loved NYC. I want to go back someday, maybe even live there.

Many other things happened, both good and bad. I decided not to do the Joffrey trainee program, it didn't seem like the right choice for my life. I would have to move to NYC all by myself, and though I embraced the idea, I think it scared my parents. Also, that commitment would basically seal my fate, I would be a dancer. Looking back, I’m glad I didn't, because I believe the Lord gave me a talent in writing (or so everyone says), and that’s what I am meant to do in life.

Stress was getting to me and my family and our hair started falling out in clumps!We had at least two competitions a month, and we were driving all over Texas to get to them. We went to one in Dallas, we didn't win or place very high, so the whole team (myself included, much to my dismay) was upset. In the middle of the award ceremony our teacher texted us and told us to walk off the stage, this is a big offense in dance, and it backfired on the whole studio. Everybody was upset because that ensured that none of us would win a scholarship or get any ‘special awards’, in fact the whole studio was ignored from that point forward, and it gave them a bad name. The teacher, Ms. Resa, refused to admit any fault, and acted completely aloof. Later my mom went to dinner with the other moms and they all gossiped and dissed Ms. Resa. Apparently they insulted me, to my mother’s face. That’s when my mom realized something was wrong, and figured out that I was probably bullied.

Then came recital time, we spent extra hours rehearsing routines, I was in 12 dances! We had photoshoots, costumes, new dance shoes, hair and makeup, and many other stressful (but exciting) things going on. Unfortunately, several of our costumes didn't come in and one of our dances wasn't finished. The studio simply told us that the costumes were on backorder. We had to finish a dance the day of the recital! That was a problem, but the recital turned out well enough, and my family enjoyed watching me dance. Though it was hard, I had fun performing (even if I messed up on the dance we hadn't finished)

Afterwards, we found out later that the studio had been fraudulent several times. They didn't order some of the costumes, and they lied to our faces completely. They owed one of the moms 3000 dollars because they kept triple and double charging her! They refused to pay her back. Everybody kept asking High Speed for the finale costume, which was supposed to glow and had cost a ton of money. Eventually, after we had left the studio, our costume came in, months after recital.When we opened the package it was a twenty-five dollar costume from DiscountDance.com, it was a completely different costume than what we paid for!

After most of the moms left High Speed, they all started viciously accusing them, and made fun of them, saying terrible things that weren't even true! They were also malevolent and dissed anybody that had stayed with High Speed. One time they were all texting, in a group chat, about this one girl named Kim, who they had never liked. Lisa sent a picture of Kim, from Kim’s instagram, and said that Kim was ugly and annoying. All the girls (and their moms) texted, “haha,” and “to true.” This made me mad, because they were cruelly attacking a girl who was so sweet, and who never did anything mean to them. I texted back, “Maybe Kim is annoying, but I don't think she is ugly. She has a beautiful heart and I don't think we should hate on her.”

Lisa replied, “Oh... Yeah, you’re right.”

I guess when you stand up to bullies, they back down. During the year Lisa and the other girls had started an, “I hate Kim club”, I had heard the rumors about it, but I had thought it was just a rumor, turns out it was real. I didn't like Kim that much, but she was my sister’s best friend, and she really did have a big heart. Sadly, since she tried to hard to please them, they used her. They did the exact same thing with me. I have always been someone who cares a little too much. I would always throw away their trash, and go out of my way for them. To me, I was just being nice and doing what I would want. To them, I was their servant that they could push around. I didn't realise this until Annie had laughingly told my mom, “Hope does whatever we want her too.”

This was a major blow to me. I wasn't doing everything they wanted, I was being nice, but they failed to see it that way. It was little things, one after the other, that's what indirect bullying is. They pretended to be my friend to my face, and were hateful behind my back. Indirect bullying is backhanded comments, false smiles, rolled eyes, gossip, big hugs, and little lies, just piling up until it’s a harmful activity. This was my whole life.

After everybody left High Speed, they totally flipped everything they had previously said. All of the sudden, Shelby was a misunderstood girl who was very pretty. They became buddie-buddie with Elaine again. They talked trash about Ms. Resa, Troy, and Mrs. Danielle (the manager), and they were happy again. Hey, when you have a common enemy, life is good. Since my family started distancing ourselves from them, we got gossiped about. They called my mom lazy (flat out lie), said I wasn't smart, and that my sister was socially awkward. They spent their free time, writing reviews about High Speed, gossiping about Ms. Resa’s “boob job”(I’m pretty sure that was a rumor), slutty clothing, and barbie makeup.

The High Speed staff became vicious too. They called all the moms several very rude names, made fun of their children, and refused to pay anybody back. They also changed the name of the company, that way the reviews were no longer there. They lied to the people who still stayed with them, telling them that everybody was making it up, and that they were totally innocent. Yeah right. I know this for a fact, because I heard it with my own ears and saw their lovely comments on FaceBook. Looking back I wonder, why did I waste my time on these people?

The moral of the story is, you can't change who you are for anybody else. I changed my humor, morals, ideals, dreams, and more for dance, I was still left out and depressed. Indirect bullying is real, and it is hard to combat. The most important things is to tell somebody what is going on. Don't dismiss it when people hurt you. Don't sacrifice your morals for something temporary, because people will never respect you if you try to change for them. Bullying is sometimes unnoticed for years. You have to read the signs. I had no idea I was bullied until recently. If someone doesn't respect you, then they aren't worth your time. Also, sometimes you have to be willing to let things go, whether it be an unhealthy friendship, a sport, a lifestyle, or anything else, in order to reach where you need to be in life. I didn't listen to the messages God kept sending me. Since I didn't remove myself from the toxic situation, the Lord did. He showed me that dance isn't the career path that's in His plan. Since I have left the studio, my life has improved. I’m climbing the staircase to happiness, and am, once again, growing in the light of the Lord. I have resumed going back to church, and I have a higher level of self confidence. I don't give the people who try and hurt me the time of day, and I love those who stand by me. I no longer have to be discriminated by others. I know who I am and I’m never going to compromise that again. I am free.

* All company and personal names have been changed for protection of those involved*Please feel free to comment, discuss, agree, disagree, or debate on the subject posted. I only ask that you keep profanity and insults to a minimum. Thanks!